I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
