It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
