using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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