So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
