im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
