i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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