I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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