somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
