ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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