i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
