I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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