i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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