my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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