Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
