The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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