rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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