I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
