a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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