dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
