I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's no shave November. This is our time.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
