an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
