you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
