she looked like the before picture.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
