thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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