i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
