It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
