Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
