Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
