we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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