She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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