I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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