Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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