Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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