we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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