Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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