Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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