Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
