I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
