Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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