She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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