nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
