Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
