WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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