he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
