well I can't set my house on fire every night
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
