the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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