For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
