I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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