Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
