His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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