shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
