i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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