Your face is a jimmy john
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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