I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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