1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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